The Pearl Fisher

I have received a letter from my landlord informing me that upon quitting my lodgings I must render them to their original state. After a brief survey I have come up with a list of things to do.
Lean on the bathroom shelf and towel rail until they hang limply on the wall.
Prise filler out of four large holes in the kitchen.
Tear up the sealant on the bath and encourage mold growth by rubbing yoghurt into the crack.
Kick the electrical socket by the door until it starts fizzing.
Block the sink with unnamable matter.
Place three pairs of soiled pants in the airing cupboard.
Pull the toilet roll holder out and glue it back to the wall with a clear rubbery substance.
Rub lard around the oven and bake until black smoke issues forth.
That should do it.



-- posted abroad